I honestly forgot that today marks six years since I was diagnosed with large B cell non-Hodgkin lymphoma until this Facebook memory popped up on my feed:
Losing my coffee would turn out to be the least of my worries on this day in 2013. That afternoon, Dr. Huang, my then primary care doctor, would send me for a chest x-ray to rule out that something in my chest was causing my face to swell, and within an hour, I would know that I had a large mass behind my heart. The next day I would go for a CT scan, and the day after that, she would call me with the news that I had lymphoma.
It’s not that I completely forgot about today’s anniversary. My brain was full of work and life, and ironically, on my way to the subway with a stop for coffee, I was feeling anxious. I realized that this hot July morning reminded me of that uncertain early period when I would go back and forth to the hospital for testing, and then move onto the first weeks of chemo. I would eventually reach the end of chemo, enter remission, and annually celebrate those milestones along with being diagnosed.
These moments are an important part of the healing process. They remind me to stop, reflect on where I was, and celebrate how far I’ve come. As a cancer survivor, there’s always the worry of “the monster under the bed.” I wonder if a symptom that I might be experiencing could be something more serious. Will I have to go through another cancer diagnosis? Can I handle that? Will it be worse this time? Maybe not as treatable? And, then I tell myself to take it a step at a time. To just breathe. To bask in the relief when everything turns out fine. And to celebrate life, even when it’s challenging, frustrating, and exhausting.
On this day 2017, I would use this blog, which I originally created to share progress updates with family and friends, to publicly come out on the fourth anniversary of my diagnosis. I realized that I had created the perfect forum to do so.
Thank you to everyone who has supported me on these adventures. Cheers to today, and all the days of the years ahead.
